“I’ve just resorted to waking up every morning and yelling ‘Stay the fuck home you fucking cunt fuckers!” on the morning news until I pass out from asphyxiation,” said Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau during an emergency G20 Group Skype Call this afternoon.
“Oooh, that’s a good one. Does it work?” asked Germany’s Chancellor Angela Merkel.
“Not remotely,” admitted Trudeau. “But they also didn’t respect me when I grew this rather impressive salt and pepper beard either!”
“I thought you said that was fake?” said France’s Emmanuel Macron.
“Ssssshhhh…. Donald allowed the press into this meeting, this call isn’t private!” hissed a very embarrassed Trudeau, stroking his highly fake salt and pepper beard that didn’t remotely sway public opinion in his favour one way or another.
“Everyone knows it’s a fake beard Justin. What, you thought I forgot what you said about me? Payback’s a bitch, you ice commie!” snapped US president Donald Trump. “Look, if anyone wants some tips for having contempt for your citizens, I can do a workshop, but honestly it’s not that hard. You just look into the camera, call the media fake news and call everyone morons. They love it. It’s tremendous. It’s the best. The greatest. Terrific. Great. Tremendous.”
“Some of us run countries with an education system,” said New Zealand’s Prime Minister Jacinda Arden.
“Melanera! What’d I tell ya about crushing my aderall? Fine powder, this is coarse!”
As per usual, the other world leaders muted Trump so they could get a word in edgewise.
Chinese President Xi Jinping offered some advice, “Have you tried removing all your citizens’ rights and declaring yourself unquestioned supreme ruler for life?”
“No, we aren’t allowed to do that in Canada,” sighed Trudeau. “Thanks for lifting the embargo on Canola oil by the way, we really need you to keep buying that stuff.”
“No problem, thanks for all your oil, real estate and putting the Huawei logo on the desk of your national news broadcaster.”
Trump could be seen turning red and yelling but nobody heard what he was yelling about since he was on mute.
“We have zero cases in Russia, because we have excellent defenses against this American biological attack!”
“Muting!” said the 5 cool leaders as per usual, turning off Putin’s volume so they could chat.
“Anyways,” said South Korea’s Moon Jay-In “We’ve had incredible success by just implementing GPS tracking on all our citizens, which we were already of course doing… but now we can tell them we’re doing it. Works like a charm!”
“We did that years ago!” said Jinping. “And rolled out 5G before any of you. When will you people respect our authority as the new world superpower?’
“Probably when y’all stop eating bat soup for breakfast,” snickered Saudi Arabia’s Mohammed Bin Salman.
“Oh well look who decided to show up for the call, late as usual,” snapped Angela Merkel. “What kept you crown prince? Busy crashing the world oil markets or just your usual Friday morning bone-sawing of a journalist?”
“Angela, Angela, I’m sorry I just can’t take moral advice from Nazis, not for at least another 6 million years,” Bin Salman jawed back.
“Oh, I see,” moaned Israel’s Benjamin Netenyahu. “Use that excuse when it’s convenient, on the public phone call with the media, then go back to training anti-semitic terrorists in plain sight. Bah!”
“Well maybe if you did a better job covering up the pedophilia and rackateering we’re all guilty of!” coughed Boris Johnson, as the coronavirus symptoms ravaged his body and what was left of his mind.
“Oh great, the rookie has something to say, yeah you’re doing such a great job over there Boris, please, give us some more tips,” sniped Macron.
“Sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the sound of your populace rioting in the streets for two years Frog-boy!”
At this point the call descended into 37 consecutive minutes of unintelligible yelling and screaming and racial slurs involving hundreds of years of history and backstabbing and deceit.
After all the yelling and racism finally subsided, India’s Ram Nath Kovind piped up with a bit of levity to break the tension.
“Hey, guys, relax… it’s not like any of us has any real power… the world is and always has been run by central bankers!”
“BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HE’S RIGHT! HE ALWAYS IS YOU KNOW!” everyone agreed. They took Putin and Trump off mute who were also laughing hysterically.
“It’s funny because it’s true you know Donald,” said Putin.
“I know, I know, believe me, I know. I know more than anyone probably, the most. You know Vlad, you’ve got the pee tapes.”
“And I’ll release them as soon as they tell me to!” laughed Putin.
“Yeah, you better, or they’ll take you down too!” howled Trump.
“Our lack of genuine authority is indeed amusing,” concluded Argentina’s Alberto Fernandez.. the mere sound of his voice being the globally agreed upon signal that it was time for the call to end.
The world leaders all had a good chuckle at their irrelevance and lack of any meaningful purpose or power in the grand scheme of things and read whatever pre-approved script was sent to them the next morning by their real owners, as per usual.
Expert Reporting by,