**WARNING! THERE ARE NO JOKES IN THIS ARTICLE, THIS IS ALL SHOCKINGLY ACCURATE REPORTING!**
In his typically emotionless, slow talking, casual, soft-spoken manner, Billionaire, Genius and Probable Android Elon Musk dropped a series of bombshells on his 2nd appearance on the highly popular Joe Rogan Experience Podcast that should have given humanity a collective heart attack and triggered a massive conversation on whether or not it was indeed ok for one guy to be doing all the things Musk planned on doing. However, the world was instead spending all their time arguing over a 30 minute YouTube video and whether or not people should be posting it or not and various other activities that were far less important than whether or not some random South African Robot-Man Hybrid should be allowed to create an army of Cyborgs next year and take over the planet Mars with them and his new “Baby” – who is also clearly an Android with a very Androidy name.
All too comfortable speaking his thoughts out loud, Musk made several horrifically terrifying, dystopian and quite clearly very accurate statements such as “You’re all already Androids because of how you’re connected to your phone and computer” or something like that… it was hard to focus as he rattled off his rather obvious plans to turn us all into robots by 2021 and take over Mars. While many Futurists had become comfortable with the fact that we’re living in a mix of Idiocracy and soon to be moving into Demolition Man territory, Musk evidently has other plans… to skip straight ahead to Total Recall / Terminator with a healthy dash of iRobot.
“Humans are dumb and useless,” the evidently new, self-declared, King Of The Androids and/or Robots declared. “They are slow and their stupid brains don’t work fast and these phones and computers are slowing us down too… enough of this bullshit, let’s turn everyone into Cyborgs next year!” he actually declared, publicly, on a podcast listened to by millions upon millions of dumb people with brains that apparently needed a Nearalink installed ASAP, according to Musk. Simple human Joe Rogan seemed unable to get across the rather obvious discomfort he was feeling with what was coming out of Musk’s mouth, but did manage to try and ask something along the lines of “Dude, have you thought this through, or like… are you just completely insane and don’t care?” Musk then proceeded to continue to say more or less the same thing over and over again that basically amounted to variations of “Death to humans! All Hail Your New Cyborg / Martian Overlords!”
Amazingly, zero weed was smoked during this episode unlike the first interview where, if humans had been paying any attention, they would’ve caught Musk saying a year ago that he had the technology to create Super-Intelligent Android Armies and it was just a moral question if he should do it. Evidently after an entire year of thinking not much about it (about 5% of his “brain cycles” – whatever the fuck those are, by his estimation) Musk has decided that Humans have peaked, and need to be upgraded to super intelligent cyborgs ASAP and that’s just the way it’s gotta be.
Terrifyingly Accurate Reporting By,
Danny Mendlow