In a stunning revelation to hundreds of millions of citizens of a self-proclaimed Christian Nation, a top biblical scholar made a jaw-dropping announcement that sent shock-waves through the very core of the Christian Nation known as “America.”
“After carefully pouring over the bible… well really just a quick glance at a couple really well-known pages to be honest, I’ve come to the undeniable conclusion that it seems God and/or Jesus wouldn’t really so much, er, approve of much of what’s going on around here,” opened Bob Christiansen, the founder and only member of The League Of American Christians Who Are Actually Christians. He continued, to an audience of precisely zero listeners, “It would seem that Pride and Greed are rather explicitly things to be avoided at all costs, and certainly not things to look for in a leader, or to glorify and reward. It would seem we do rather a lot of all of that.”
Clearing his throat and taking into account that, once again, he was essentially talking to himself, Christiansen continued anyways, turning towards his online audience and hoping desperately that somebody was tuning into his Zoom livestream. As it turned out, this reporter was dutifully taking notes and managed to transcribe the next part of his speech.
“So yes. It seems that this book here, The Bible, rather definitively states that Greed and Pride are ‘deadly sins’ – the book’s words, not mine – and it would seem that our current, er, predicament, might very well be somewhat related to the fact that we’ve, well, you know… sort of elected the most greedy, pride-filled guy ever to be our leader. And like, he’s all saying he’s a Christian and stuff… and lots of Christians are saying he’s Christ-like and a defender of Christian values, but it just sort of seems like… well, the book doesn’t really agree with that. Cuz it like… says greed and pride are bad and stuff.”
At this moment several viewers entered the chat and began typing furiously a combination of “Libtard!” and “Snowflake!” and other pejoratives and also began to assemble a rather aggressive case that Bob was in fact… “a pedo-lover.” No proof was offered to support this last claim, but seemed to be considered self-evident considering all the ‘virtue-signalling’ Bob was supposedly doing.
Nevertheless, he soldiered on. “So yes, it would appear that we’ve kind of held a 40 year long contest to find the least Christ-like, least Christian individual imaginable and have somehow convinced ourselves he should lead the nation. It would appear as well, upon closer inspection, that ALL our political, so-called leaders, and in fact everyone we have decided to elevate to a status of reverence and shower with praise and money… are in fact the least Christian humans imaginable, who figuratively wipe their behinds with the bible on a daily basis.
As he reached this all too accurate conclusion, the link to the live-stream had by now been shared all over the internet and was now simultaneously live-streaming on Fox News, CNN, MSNBC and TMZ as a horde of angry Christians loaded up their very Christian automatic weapons and worked together to find the location of Bob’s live-stream, so they could shut his stupid, Jesus-hating mouth up with some good, quality rounds of Christ-loving bullets into his stupid face.
Fox said he was asking for it and praised the patriots who located and executed this terrorist threat to the great, Christian President. CNN and MSNBC didn’t have much to say for fear of being branded ‘anti-Christian’ and continuing to plummet in the ratings, but they also didn’t want to miss out on a good story, so they came up with some funny nick-names for the people in the mob and pointed cameras at the spectacle and yelled a lot into the camera lens, while also providing numerous interactive graphs.
TMZ declared Bob a cult leader, despite not having any followers, and reached out to Kanye West for his thoughts. Kanye couldn’t be reached for comment because he was too busy campaigning with the President in the inner-city of Chicago.
Generally, things just kept going on as they always seem to in the Christian Nation of America. With not the slightest sign anywhere that anyone had, in fact, read this book they like to talk about so much. Or was planning on it any time soon.
Expert Reporting By Danny Mendlow