WASHINGTON DC- On Tuesday, before a congressional hearing, Education Secretary Betsy DeVos released a new curriculum to be rolled out nationwide in September. “Our students need to return to in-person classes, and they must prepare for the challenges they will face in the arena,” DeVos told the committee. The DeVos-Hunger Games Curriculum will require 2 “tributes” from each Democratic state; including New York, Illinois, California and “…Florida, if they aren’t careful,” warned DeVos. In September, there will be a “reaping” where students will be selected at random for a fight to the death in a large arena with artificially engineered hazards.
“Coronavirus has created a new environment for America’s children to learn in. We are shifting the focus of the American Student from math and science, towards the more practical and relevant mortal combat of the Hunger Games,” explained DeVos. “Our kids are so far behind in preparing for the games. We need them back in class learning the essentials like chokeholds, trident skills and archery.”
President Trump threw his full support behind the new curriculum, claiming “…these Hunger Games are going to be the best Hunger Games ever. Much better than in other countries, people are saying.” The President continued, “…previous administrations did very little, very little, to prepare our nation’s children for the Hunger Games.” Trump then referred to an Obama-era predator drone piloting course for high school students.
In an act of customary pragmatism, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters she would “…support the Hunger Games Curriculum if they guaranteed that students would be wearing masks in class and during participation in the Games.”
Expert Reporting By: Paul Dudar