(March 15, 2020, Mostly Toronto) Canadian TV Executives didn’t at all feel the need to assure Canadian Actors, Writers and especially comedians not to worry about any change to their production slate. “Are you kidding me? Everyone knows by now we got rid of original programming a decade ago,” Melissa Collinsworth told the news division also owned by one of the two cell phone companies that bought all the networks years ago. The news division laughed as they all played another round of golf and quickly killed the story so as to not spook stockholders or ‘rock the boat’ of sweet, never-ending government cash that comes from having a monopoly on Film and TV Tax Credits.
When not pressed for comment, or asked any questions at all, we can only speculate Melissa might have replied “We were way ahead of this Coronovirus thing when it comes to cancelling work for Canada’s entertainers. We made a strong, deliberate choice long ago to cancel all original productions, and focus on our company’s real priorities, charging Canadians $300 / month for cell phone bills, and delivering heavily slanted news coverage in the hopes that we can bring Stephen Harper back and sell more condos to the foreign investors that own our government and our corporations! Isn’t it funny how our country is completely sold to the highest bidder?!”
After reporters completely failed to do some basic investigative reporting because they were all getting fired or would be soon if they didn’t tow the line and foment anger and hatred in the working class as their corporate masters dictated, Melissa’s boss gave himself a huge bonus and then continued his daily routine of firing 30 year veterans and replacing them with American Hedge Fund Advisors who gave him some hot tips on how to continue printing cash, re-running U.S. shows and making sure those pesky creative types didn’t get any silly ideas about Canada being a place where shows are green lit and made.
“It’s really quite simple,” said Melissa’s boss who is on his fourth fake name after multiple criminal rackateering charges. “I’m rich! Why am I talking to myself in the mirror? Where’s my cocaine? Oh there it is. On the mirror. Man, I’m rich AND handsome!”
When not remotely asked how he sleeps at night by his subservient gang of yes people in the “News” department – Melissa’s boss said to his nonexistent conscience in the mirror “Why would Canadians want Canadian shows??!?! They’re perfectly happy watching American shows, just like I’m perfectly happy becoming an American citizen next year and moving out of this socialist nightmare! Why do we even have that stupid border there anyways? Healthcare? What is with these ice commies!? Let’s just dissolve it, we’re already giving Nestle all our water and US developers all our land and cities. USA! USA!” chanted the soulless man born and raised in Oakville, Ontario.
“I love making no money and eating Ramen noodles,” lied local Canadian Comedian who wished to remain un-named. When asked why the anonymity, they simply replied, “I really don’t want to miss out on the very unlikely opportunity of not getting paid to be on TV later this year. I really need the credits because I’m biding time until one of my relatives dies and leaves me just enough money for the lawyer fees to flee the country to the US or UK where there’s a comedy and TV industry. Or so I’ve heard… I only hear rumours because we’ve imposed a digital iron curtain on our country and I can’t afford to pay the high fees to watch UK and US shows. I’m so hungry. This isn’t even Ramen Noodles, it’s just chopsticks I stole and pour hot water on. Have you ever seen Hook?”
No one could be reached for comment across the entire country. When asked why, this reporter was told repeatedly that nobody cares. When this reporter got flustered and shouted for answers into the void, he was told the whole country is at home watching Youtube and Netflix and couldn’t really tell the difference at this point if the border was dissolved. When asked if they thought healthcare and Canadian Culture were at all important and worth fighting for and saving they replied “Dude, why you always gotta be like, thinking and talking and stuff?” and turned the TV up louder to drown out my annoying questions.
Well it seems like nobody will get to the bottom of this nonexistent story because all our media is owned by 2 cell phone companies and the government, who are all complicit in the degradation of our… hang on a minute there’s a knock at the door.
I’ll be right back, they look angry.
I probably won’t be right back. Good thing my career was already over. Nice knowing ya. (Not really).
Over and out.
Expert Reporting By,
Danny Mendlow