After decades of painstaking research, scientists have come to a conclusion sure to shock humanity to its very core. Since mankind has begun keeping records, Gold has been a precious and valuable commodity, even forming the basis of global monetary systems and trade. Unfortunately, after careful evaluation of the actual, viable, applicable usefulness of the stuff, it turns out there isn’t any.
“Our research shows that gold is, in fact, just kind of shiny… not much else,” confirmed a top scientist on the project. “It makes sense that primitive man would find it alluring and give it a value based on its shininess, but there is absolutely no reason gold should be considered remotely valuable in the modern world.”
A room full of shocked reporters could hardly believe their ears at the announcement of the study. Greg Trippleton of the Milwaukee Joint Press Society broke the silence with a daring question: “Well then why does the value of gold keep going up then?”
“That’s a good question,” responded Hanz Zimmerthorn, a key researcher. “Probably because people aren’t very smart, so when things get scary they just keep running back to gold. It’s kind of like our safety blanket; it does nothing except make us feel safe. All we can tell you is that this has to be the biggest oversight in human history. Somehow, we’ve managed to harness electricity, invent the modern computer, and fly to the moon… yet for some reason we never evolved the value we place on shiny things to match our current understanding of the world. It truly is an outdated and ancient thing to think is important. I mean, who cares if a rock is shinier than another rock?”
It remains to be seen the devastating effect this new study will have on the already volatile global marketplace, as trillions of dollars of gold become completely worthless chunks of somewhat shiny rocks. Investment banker Tim Harolds is outraged, and he is not alone.
“Gold was the one last thing you could count on! What the hell can you count on now?! I say screw these scientists and screw their study!”
While plenty of people with huge investments in gold agree with Harolds’ sentiments, unfortunately the science is concrete and irrefutable. Gold simply has no real value. Neither do diamonds, emeralds or any other shiny rocks once thought to be ‘precious.’
Greg Trippleton had one last question for the shockingly blunt team of scientists: “Well then what should we invest in now? Now that gold isn’t worth anything, there’s nothing safe left to invest in the marketplace!”
Hanz had a swift, and perhaps dangerous new suggestion. “You could always invest in more of us, to tell you more things that aren’t worth what you think they are… and perhaps even discover some things that are worth investing in.”
Dangerous thoughts indeed Mr. Zimmerthorn. Oh well, it’s not like anyone will listen.
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