After 18 days of protest the people of Egypt have successfully and peacefully ended the reign of Hosni Mubarak, demanding freedom, democracy and human rights for their nation. Unfortunately, the latest version of Democracy on the market is no longer compatible with Freedom or Human Rights. Western Leaders were sad to break the news to the hopeful Egyptian populace.
“Yeah, I guess they thought we still sold the original version of Democracy, but nobody makes that model any more. You can’t find that thing anywhere!” Chuckled White House spokesman Robert Gibbs. “While it’s true that Democracy 1.0 did include a freedom and human rights component, in order to streamline the product and make it easier to use, none of the newer versions carry that feature. It was very glitchy. But the newer versions run much more smoothly for the operators, so I think whoever ends up in charge over in Egypt will be much happier, and that’s what’s important in a democracy.”
Democracy salesman Ken Krisp elaborated: “Look, just like Jesus used to say ‘the times they are a changing,’ and Democracy is too. Skeptics will always complain about the newer and better models, and there’s always the hopeless nostalgians who will tell you about the good ol’ days… but the fact is Democracy is new and improved, and a big reason for that is our new, freedom-limited, freedom-suppressed and freedom-free editions, which are selling very well all over the globe to satisfied customers. And satisfied customers is what’s important in a democracy. Just ask our regional Corporation Compatibility Manager.”
Tim O’Brien, The regional Corporation Compatibility Manager agreed one hundred percent with Ken Krisp: “The most important part of a Democracy is that it helps people make money. The best people at making money are Corporations, and we are people, according to the law. Everyone knows if you want to make money, you just do what Corporations want, I mean, we are basically money making machines. That’s what we do. Our studies have proven that if you do too much listening to people, they’ll demand all sorts of crazy things like a decent salary, education, affordable living, food, transportation, healthcare, blah blah blah blah me me me me… it’s all about them you see. Whereas a small group of hard working, money making Corporations, when working within a Democracy, can cut out all of that pointless extra spending, and do much more important things with all the money we make.”
Beaming with pride, Tim was more than pleased to explain:
“Well first, we can get Democratic lawmakers to make laws that help us make more money. Then with all that money, we can get Democratic leaders and giant international banking conglomerates to help us go overseas and cripple entire nations with extortionist loans and then we set up a government that will let us do as we please and pay people basically zero money to do all of our work! Just watch those profits sore through the roof! It’s really quite brilliant see. Because then, if the people in those countries rise up and try to replace the government with someone who won’t do what we please… we control the Democratic leaders in our country and get them to go and drop bombs on them… and bring them Democracy. Or, we can simply wait until the people are so impoverished that they rise up themselves, just like in Egypt, and then we can simply give them a nice little Democracy of their own and they can join the party. So you see, it’s really quite a perfect system.”
That it is Tim. But one reporter was not completely satisfied with this explanation, and piped up with a confusing and dangerous question.
“But sir, don’t you think that kind of cycle of oppression is exactly what the people of Egypt are angry about? Don’t you think that almost everyone in the world is feeling crushed by the effects of corporate profit being the only thing anyone cares about? Of bottom lines and quarterly stock reports and greed squeezing the humanity out of every person on this planet? Wouldn’t it instead be a good idea to acknowledge that we need a new system of governance and economics and wouldn’t Egypt be the perfect place to try and implement something new and different instead of merely installing this clearly outdated and outlived system that has run its course and does not represent the will of the people as it was designed to do?”
A pause as the silence gripped the room.
Tim O’Brien looked at Ken Krisp, who looked at Tim and then turned to look at Robert Gibbs.
All three men burst out into laughter. It started small, before erupting into a cacophony of howling and hooting and tears streaming down the men’s faces. Then, prominent politicians and businessmen and political pundits began pouring into the room, seemingly out of nowhere. George Bush and Bill Clinton holding hands with Saudi Oil Tycoons; Obama and David Cameron and Bill Gates and Steve Jobs and Ted Turner and Donald Trump and Rupert Murdoch all with jovial arms wrapped around each other, joining in on the laughs; and Glenn Beck was there, and Rush Limbaugh and so was Anderson Cooper and Keith Olbermann; Palin and Schwarzennegger, CEO’s from Tony Hayward to Lawrence Rawl; Big bankers and Wall Street Traders; Ousted President Mubarek rode in on a camel with Vladamir Putin dancing a jig on one of the humps; and even Fidel Castro and Ahmadinejad and Kim Jong Il and Hu Jintao came in for the party. And it became clear to all who witnessed this orgy of laughter, that there are only two kinds of people in the world. Them, and the rest of us.
And while they laughed and laughed and laughed…
The rest of us got pretty angry.
Expert Reporting by,