A guest blog from Canadian, gay, married, father, comedian Darcy Michael
A lot has happened this week south of the border and quite frankly, I’m not even sure where to start.
Obama, let’ s start there. Yes, this is an incredibly moving and poignant moment for our American neighbours and I’m incredibly thrilled for them. However, as a proud Canadian, I should point out that our leaders made these kind of speeches 10 years ago, without rushing frantically to the nearest microphone during an election year after the VP accidentally let it slip in a series of highly politicized, over analyzed, over hyped drama… we just did it because it was the right thing to do, and we never looked back… but good on you anyways Barack, welcome to the game… finally.
Mitt Romney, you are such a fucking tool that the only solace I can take in your existence and your hate mongering is that eventually, one day, you’re going to have to explain to your grandchildren why you chose to speak on the wrong side of history. And mark my words; you are most definitely on the wrong side of history. We may not have a Rosa Parks moment in our cause, (not that anyone in your lovely little cult cares, considering your pleasant history of not acknowledging black people as equals until 1978) but we can be comfortable in the knowledge that in ten years I’ll still be right and decent, and you’ll be shown alongside these cartoons as an example of how primitive man used to actually think and behave.
Mitt, I wanted to show my husband your thoughts on this issue and have a nice political debate in our living room, but unfortunately we have both been so busy this week driving our daughter to her orthodontist appointments, helping her with her homework, selling girl guide cookies at the mall and coaching her baseball team 5 days a week we just simply haven’t had a moment alone to talk.
In fact, you’re missing the point so clearly here Mitt. It’s clear what you anti-gay crusaders really want is for ‘the gays’ to stop fucking each other. If youreally don’t want us to fuck each other, you should LET us have as many kids as we can handle! I don’t even remember the last time we stuck it in each other because we’ve both been so busy making sure our daughter gets the best upbringing possible. An upbringing that is full of an open, honest love btw. One that preaches understanding, empathy and most of all forgiveness for what we can not change. You know, just like that Jesus character used to say. I’m even hesitant here in this post to say things negative about you, your family and your views because I don’t want my daughter reading this thinking it is okay to tell someone what they are doing or saying is wrong. But in this case, you are so fucking wrong, that I’m okay with it.
One last note Mr. Romney: that little boy whose hair you cut off and ‘don’t recall’? We all do dumb things as kids Mitt, cruel things even. The difference is, real men grow up and realize they were wrong, and change their behavior. Some bullies never grow up I suppose, and still think they have the authority to tell others that their personal life is his business.
Bristol Palin, you’ve quickly become the Snookie of the Republican base and that’s not an easy task to accomplish. Clearly, hate breeds more hate and you are the product of being brought up in an environment of blind, unfounded bigotry. Not sure how you can try to preach about what is the right way to raise a child but as one of those evil, gay married families you’re looking down your nose at, ‘ahem’ allow me to rebut. Are you trying to tell me that the years long commitment that Jer and I have made to each other and our daughter is less then the 26 seconds of pure unadulterated bliss you had with that fool of a father before leaving you a single mother? Harsh? Judge not lest ye be judged sweetheart.
Mine and Jeremy’s commitment to each other is an unbreakable bond and one we are content on protecting in as humanely a way as possible but I’ll tell you something gurrrrrrl, you start coming after us and our daughter and the gloves come off. How about this? How about we both take a step back before I start filing my nails into mini-shives and you really think about your own life for a second mmmmkay? Wouldn’t it be a more prudent approach for you to get a handle on raising your child in a way that doesn’t preach hatred of that which you don’t understand? Because let’s be honest here, if you did hate everything you didn’t understand, eventually your child is going to grow up hating things like: reality, shoelaces and dancing with the ‘stars’
And while I have you all here, I’d like to end off with something completely unrelated but totally related. John Travolta, if you enjoy penis I encourage you to continue enjoying penis but for fuck sakes, man up about it and just tell the world. When you order your breakfast today, just add a side of dick. You’ll feel so much better about yourself and not as full too.
To the rest of the world, let’s take a passive aggressive approach to show how wrong the right has become. If you go to my website, www.darcymichael.com, you can buy my new stand up special “One Skinny Bitch” for a measly 3 bucks. Then I promise my husband and I will use all the proceeds from those sales to buy as many children as we can. That’ll show ‘em. But you can at least know your money is going to a loving household, a real and happy family, and not to further the agenda of hate mongering Neanderthals who would rather use the office of the presidency to insult and belittle my family, than to govern your country.
Ever since the biggest comedian on the planet, Louis CK, released his latest stand up comedy DVD online for $5, a new trend has emerged that industry professionals are calling “alarming,” “vaguely communist” and “anti American.” Since Louis CK’s wildly successful experiment, comedians can’t wait to produce and sell their own comedy specials, with superstars Jim Gaffigan and Aziz Ansari following suit, while Joe Rogan and Joey Diaz are set to do the same. Even in the frozen tundra of Canada’s igloos, Darcy Michael has emerged from hibernation to release his special online this spring as well. You can find a complete, up to date list of all the comedians enraging people who wear suits and used to make money off of them here.
We caught up with Joe Middleman at a press conference called by united, fuming industry professionals from TV networks and traditional media distribution companies.
“This is absurd! Outrageous! Who the fuck do these comedians think they are? They’re the talent, they don’t get paid. WE get paid,” Middleman thundered as the crowd erupted in cheers. “They get a tiny amount of what we tell them is leftover. That’s how this whole industry works. You can’t just cut out Joe Middleman. Not on my watch! My families gotta eat too! I’ve got eleven houses, three cottages and nineteen cars to make payments on. How am I supposed to get by when these two-bit shmucks are running around filming, promoting and distributing their own content? I’ll tell you what it is, it’s economic terrorism! It’s a communist, socialist, rise of the proletariat, pinko, fascist, Hitler inspired plot to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids! It’s anti-American, anti-capitalist, hippie, fairy, mother fucking cock sucking bullshit cunt….” He then simply blasted out a series of no less than 8 minutes of straight, incoherent, derogatory terminology. When he finally collapsed in a heap of perspiration, red faced and shaking violently with rage next to the podium, John Q. Executive took to the stage quickly to wrap up the rally by taking questions from the press.
“John, some people would say that the talent is who really deserves the money, as they are the ones doing the work, especially in stand up comedy where it is literally just them on stage by themselves. What would you say to that?” queried Tim Silverway from The Newspaper.
“Tim that’s ridiculous and you know it. This issue is bigger than stand up comedy, or the entertainment industry, this issue is about America. Our founding fathers had a dream. They had a dream that one day a very small group of people, no matter what industry you work in, would get paid all of the money. Our founding fathers called this glorious group of people, The One Percent. Look, if you don’t believe me, read it for yourself in this new, Corporate America Approved version of the Declaration of Independence. Congress has just passed it into law as the legally sanctioned and accepted historical document. It’s official. It’s history my friend. Our nation was founded on the principle that one man is allowed to pursue individual prosperity, but only if that one man gives all of that prosperity to guys with nice suits who don’t actually do all that much except collect money from people who earned it. Whether you’re an investment banker, a CEO, an executive, it doesn’t matter. The important thing is that people are giving you all their money while you don’t really do anything for them they can’t do themselves. God Bless our Founding Fathers. God Bless America!”
And with that defining statement, the rally burst into another round of applause and uproarious chanting. “We are the 1%” and “You Do The Work, We Get The Money” were some of the more popular ones. They all marched off to a nearby mansion and basically it turned into a scene from Eyes Wide Shut and I left.
And as the nations middlemen and executives rallied… around the nation, an army of stand up comedians set about to follow their ringleader Louis CK into the bold new world of being adequately compensated for something they’ve worked their whole lives towards. And every other creative soul on the planet tries to figure out how they can do the exact same thing.
Expert Reporting by,
Watch out for Darcy Michael’s New Comedy Special One Skinny Bitch on sale May 10th.
Last week the 2012 Just for Laughs line-up was announced and there amongst the Louis CK’s and the fuckin’ Muppets is know-it-all, Jewy hipster, Moshe Kasher. As author of the book Kasher in the Rye and the TooFar appointed King of the 160 Characters, I knew I couldn’t wait to see him. In fact, I needed to see him. In a very real stalker kinda way, so I took to Twitter. ”Dude – I hear you’re coming to Vancouver in May. Hit me up, if you want good bagels!” No reply. “Dude, tweet me back if you’re looking for some play when you’re in town. I have a hot cousin here you can fuck!” Nothing.
I would have to settle for seeing his show.
The truth of it all is I just wanted to see with my own eyes if everything I read in his book was true. Is this former Hasidic Jew, drug addict everything he claims to be? How does dropping hit after hit of acid affect ones sense of humor? Mostly I just wanted to be reassured that Jews can still write comedy.
For the next 45 minutes he proceeded to confuse the fuck out of me. Gone was the “Gitler’, the gay Hitler haircut he used to sport , leaving just the thick rimmed nerd-type up on stage, that conjured up memories of my sweet lesbian Aunty Linda. Hardly the playa I read about on Twitter. Make up your mind, do you fuck chicks or watch Star Trek? Are you a street gangsta or prissy bitch?
Throughout the show, one thing was becoming perfectly clear. This effeminate Hebrew was way smarter than me and likely everyone else there (he kindly pointed this fact out by mentioning that he’s read Dante’s Inferno). I won’t go into details about his act, but much like his book its tells a familiar tale – Twelve year old boy tries a joint and LSD, sees a brave new world and proceeds to pass judgement on us mere mortals for the rest of his life….and like his book, its a riot! When he was a kid selling acid he claimed to be a wise man offering up enlightenment for 3 bucks a hit. Not much has changed. Now its twenty bucks a hit.
See him at Just for Laughs.
Written by Ricky Letovsky
Need more convincing?
Follow him on twitter @moshekasher
In September of 2010 began the release of a series of comedy specials that may very well go down in history as four of the best ever. Four very unique and different comics, three from Boston, one from Australia. Four regular guests on the Opie and Anthony show. Peers. Edgy, intelligent, relatable and daring at the same time. All guys who came up, hammered away at comedy for 20 some odd years, and peaked in their early 40’s… or, hopefully, just started their ascension to stratospheric, and dare I say, Carlin-esque careers. (Editors Note… Mr. Jefferies has informed us he’s only 34… whoops. Oh well, he acknowledged our existence, so we’re ecstatic.)
Any comedy fan can only hope that these guys continue to put out the kind of quality, groundbreaking work on film they did this past year on a consistent basis. CK, Burr and Jefferies appear poised to do just that, all with multiple releases in recent years of epic proportions. Patrice is another monster, who has respect from peers and fans alike, but this being his first DVD release, packed with many recent and topical bits… one can only wonder just how much great stuff he did before that we never got to see on tape. And hopefully all his talk of quitting comedy for good, is just that… talk.
When comedy historians exist, which they may someday, I think it can surely be argued that although the great Boston comedy boom; the fabled, legendary scene that erupted in the 80’s (documented brilliantly in “When Stand Up Stood Out”) was indeed incredible… the greatest crop of comedians to come out of Boston were in fact those that rose from the aftermath of that great era. Lenny Clark, Steven Wright, Denis Leary, Bobcat Goldthwait, and lesser known local heroes like Don Gavin paved the way for a group of comics that are literally shaping the evolution of stand up comedy, and perhaps defining a generation.
Dane Cook was the first to make it big time… but to me most of the best comics working right now: Doug Stanhope (releasing his own DVD shortly), Louis CK, Bill Burr, Patrice O’Neal, Joe Rogan… each arguably one of the top comics on the planet… all came out of that same early 90’s Boston scene.
So without further adieu… it’s a pleasure to review/recommend the following DVD’s.
BILL BURR – LET IT GO
Bill Burr’s “Why Do I Do This” was an absolute masterpiece. I became an instant fan when a fellow comedian lent me the DVD, and have been following the hilarious Burr via his Monday Morning Podcast on a weekly basis. The man is a comedic dynamo, who can literally make anything hilarious. A delightful mix of anger, disgust, self-loathing, alpha-male with a dose of conspiracy culture, logic, sensitive decency and silliness, it’s very hard to dislike the guy, on the sheer grounds of his honesty. Above all, Bill Burr is Bill Burr, he rarely puts on an act, and is as genuine as they come.
The reason I put this DVD first, is I think it was so good, it actually rocketed him into the number 1 position on my imaginary, ever shuffling, top working comedians list. Louis CK was firmly in number 1 for a few years, jostling with Stanhope in my books… but I’m putting Burr on top right now. Make no mistake, Louis is an absolute machine, and HILARIOUS is… fucking hilarious… but Let It Go is just that good. The evolution of Burr’s delivery is evident from Why Do I Do This? Which probably has better overall material, but Let It Go is the complete package of great writing, razor sharp delivery and a terrific overarching theme to the show. You simply can’t go wrong with the purchasing of this DVD. If you haven’t seen it. See it. Then see it again. And if you don’t plan to, I have only one question for you…
LOUIS CK – HILARIOUS
After blasting out two monstrous HBO specials, “Shameless” and “Chewed Up”, expectations were high for Louis CK’s concert film ‘Hilarious.’ After 20 years of doing basically the same act, CK reinvented himself by adopting the George Carlin technique of building up to an HBO special, then starting from scratch. The results have been nothing less than transcending. Talk to any comedian or comedy fan, about anything… and it’s very tough for Louis’ name or material to not come up.
The release is incredibly funny, and probably the only reason I wasn’t blown away by it is I had the good fortune to see him a few months before the taping, so I knew most of the material… which literally knocked me out my chair on multiple occasions at the live show. Another unfortunate, or perhaps fortunate, note to make about this DVD is that Louis dropped a good chunk of the best material prematurely on Conan O’Brien. This being the famed viral video “Everything’s Amazing, Nobody’s Happy.”
The clip took off, and almost certainly rocketed the name Louis CK into more mainstream circles… but it did definitely take a little suspense out of the special. However, the signature title track and several other chunks of this release are some of his best material to date. Surely, as time goes on, viral videos aside, ‘Hilarious’ will stand the test of time and be considered some of CK’s best work… aka, some of the best stand up comedy that ever did exist. Interesting to note as well, that “Arts and Industry” produced both ‘Hilarious’ and Bill Burr’s “Let it Go” and both are masterfully produced, and unique. This is because A&I gives the stand-up final cut, and allows them to keep in interesting, imperfect moments; for example, in ‘Hilarious’ when the camera gets too close and Louis stops the show to talk to the camera guy and tell him to back off… or when Bill Burr finds a water bottle cap on stage and addresses it, firing it into the front row.
JIM JEFFERIES – ALCOHOLOCAUST
Alcoholocaust is a suberb stand up comedy DVD. Like the others on this list, and perhaps to a degree moreso than the other three, it shows a major evolution in Jim Jefferies as a writer, performer and persona. Aside from the much more presentable appearance, trading in the sloppy drunk leather jacket rock and roll for the euro styled facial hair, and button up shirt… at the core of this is show is a much different comedian. Make no mistake, this is still Jim Jefferies: Foul mouthed, crude, obscene, offensive, purposefully pushing buttons and loving every minute of it. But it’s a different package from the raucous, and arguably funnier HBO special “I Swear To God.” Now, I said it was funnier, more in your face and aggressive… but I think Alcoholocaust is better, on many levels. Calm and conversational is the delivery style of choice here, and the content speaks for itself. Casually, with the precision of a
seasoned vet, he dances from delightful topics like shooting muslims in the head, to what cunts lesbians are and on to some of the best religious comedy in years.
“The Bible should be one sheet of paper, and on that sheet of paper it should say: ‘Try Not To Be A Cunt.’”
Oh, and countless dick and pussy jokes, with plenty of good drug references for the diehard Jefferies fan. Overall, I found this to be a very impressive piece of work, one that puts Jefferies in amongst the rare new breed of comedian who can throw out all their old stuff, start again, and evolve… moving their own career forward, as well as the art form in general.
PATRICE O’NEAL – ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM
Long has the stand up comedy world known how funny Patrice O’Neal was. Unfortunately, unless you were at one of his shows, you’d have no real way to know. Such was the case with me, I had come to love Patrice’s on air persona from his many appearances on the Opie and Anthony show… but never really knew how funny he was on stage, other than that all of my favourite comics respected him.
Elephant in the Room changed all that… in a very big way. In his first full length release, Patrice unveiled a comedy style that probably only he is capable of at this level… a seamless, masterful transition between crowd interaction and prepared material. So seamless in fact, it’s difficult to actually tell which parts of the show are improvised, and which are skilfully prepared. Such is his mastery of the art of crowd work, and such is the level of his comedy IQ. Patrice is in control of the show from start to finish, and makes it look so easy. It isn’t. While a lot of the topics have been well covered (White People/Black People, Women and Men, Relationships) they haven’t been done with Patrice’s unique and innovative thought process. Much like Bill Burr, his alpha dog outlook is a breath of fresh air, and gives a voice to a generation of frustrated, castrated and pussified men.
However, I do think it would be really great to see O’Neal flex his intellect a little more, as he is, more than anyone on this list, capable of bringing Carlin/Hicks level philosophy to the stage. Anyone who has heard him break down complex social issues knows that there is another level to Patrice O’Neal that is not necessarily showcased in this special. Having said that, I laughed uncontrollably throughout the entire uncut version of this… and re-watched it several times in the next few days, each time finding new, hilarious moments. There is no question the man is a virtuoso, and I really hope he doesn’t actually quit comedy… and instead brings more of his political and social commentary to many more specials for years to come.
In short, this is a great time for stand-up comedy, and the more we embrace, support and spread the word about true artists of the craft like these four, the better the future of stand up comedy will be. More comedians aspiring to be on this level, to work hard and to evolve, rather than trying to get on Last Comic Standing… is better for us all. Comics and fans alike.
Expert Reporting by,
Danny Mendlow (Nobody)
Anyone over the age of 25 and Film schools across the world are encountering a very difficult stumbling block when trying to get the latest crop of human beings to enjoy films made before the year 2000. Inevitably, when faced with a classic film like Silence of the Lambs, the young generation is quick to point out the many flaws in the film.
“Well I just don’t understand,” said Melissa Richard. “First of all, why do they keep saying, um, words and stuff? It’s almost as if somebody put a bunch of words on paper before they pointed the camera at the superstars. What’s that all about?”
“Exactly!” Her good friend Emily agreed. “And another thing, this can’t be a real movie, all of the people are so, like, ugly. They’re not even superstars at all. This isn’t a real movie, it must be a joke or something. I mean, the girl in it doesn’t have any modeling experience, and I’ve never heard her sing before.”
“She probably doesn’t even have a sex tape,” (incoherent giggling nonsense) “But seriously, all the men are old and not even hot and they keep their shirts on the whole time. Total fail.”
Despite constantly being informed that this is in fact one of the great movies of all time, the girls would not even admit that it was a movie at all, based on their strange new criteria. Young males were equally unable to understand the movie.
“Hannibal Lecter is a pretty shitty superhero,” Blaine Holland eeked out of the side of his barely moving lips. “Never even heard of the cartoon or comic strip. Lame. Must be Japanese or something.”
“For some reason the camera did this weird thing where it just kind of… stayed in one place or something,” added his twin brother Kyle. “A real movie should just be like a non-stop explosion of loud noises and at least four thousand camera angles per minute… otherwise it isn’t a movie. Trust me, I’ve seen a lot. Hardly anything got blowed up in this thing, whatever it was… how am I supposed to pay attention when things are not being sploded and kaboomed? Hold on gotta check my twitter.”
The older generations are quickly feeling two things: Frightened for the future of the planet, and at the same time equally relieved they weren’t born in the last twenty years.
“Holy fuck,” said the twins’ dad Jeremy “There’s obviously no hope with this lot… I guess I’ll just hide out with my friends, enjoy good films and count down the days until these imbeciles run the species into the dust.”
If not the species… we can at least hope for the English speaking world. They had their chance, and nowhere is it more apparent that their day in the sun is done… than in Hollywood.
Expert Reporting By,
After decades of painstaking research, scientists have come to a conclusion sure to shock humanity to its very core. Since mankind has begun keeping records, Gold has been a precious and valuable commodity, even forming the basis of global monetary systems and trade. Unfortunately, after careful evaluation of the actual, viable, applicable usefulness of the stuff, it turns out there isn’t any.
“Our research shows that gold is, in fact, just kind of shiny… not much else,” confirmed a top scientist on the project. “It makes sense that primitive man would find it alluring and give it a value based on its shininess, but there is absolutely no reason gold should be considered remotely valuable in the modern world.”
A room full of shocked reporters could hardly believe their ears at the announcement of the study. Greg Trippleton of the Milwaukee Joint Press Society broke the silence with a daring question: “Well then why does the value of gold keep going up then?”
“That’s a good question,” responded Hanz Zimmerthorn, a key researcher. “Probably because people aren’t very smart, so when things get scary they just keep running back to gold. It’s kind of like our safety blanket; it does nothing except make us feel safe. All we can tell you is that this has to be the biggest oversight in human history. Somehow, we’ve managed to harness electricity, invent the modern computer, and fly to the moon… yet for some reason we never evolved the value we place on shiny things to match our current understanding of the world. It truly is an outdated and ancient thing to think is important. I mean, who cares if a rock is shinier than another rock?”
It remains to be seen the devastating effect this new study will have on the already volatile global marketplace, as trillions of dollars of gold become completely worthless chunks of somewhat shiny rocks. Investment banker Tim Harolds is outraged, and he is not alone.
“Gold was the one last thing you could count on! What the hell can you count on now?! I say screw these scientists and screw their study!”
While plenty of people with huge investments in gold agree with Harolds’ sentiments, unfortunately the science is concrete and irrefutable. Gold simply has no real value. Neither do diamonds, emeralds or any other shiny rocks once thought to be ‘precious.’
Greg Trippleton had one last question for the shockingly blunt team of scientists: “Well then what should we invest in now? Now that gold isn’t worth anything, there’s nothing safe left to invest in the marketplace!”
Hanz had a swift, and perhaps dangerous new suggestion. “You could always invest in more of us, to tell you more things that aren’t worth what you think they are… and perhaps even discover some things that are worth investing in.”
Dangerous thoughts indeed Mr. Zimmerthorn. Oh well, it’s not like anyone will listen.
Expert Reporting By,
After 18 days of protest the people of Egypt have successfully and peacefully ended the reign of Hosni Mubarak, demanding freedom, democracy and human rights for their nation. Unfortunately, the latest version of Democracy on the market is no longer compatible with Freedom or Human Rights. Western Leaders were sad to break the news to the hopeful Egyptian populace.
“Yeah, I guess they thought we still sold the original version of Democracy, but nobody makes that model any more. You can’t find that thing anywhere!” Chuckled White House spokesman Robert Gibbs. “While it’s true that Democracy 1.0 did include a freedom and human rights component, in order to streamline the product and make it easier to use, none of the newer versions carry that feature. It was very glitchy. But the newer versions run much more smoothly for the operators, so I think whoever ends up in charge over in Egypt will be much happier, and that’s what’s important in a democracy.”
Democracy salesman Ken Krisp elaborated: “Look, just like Jesus used to say ‘the times they are a changing,’ and Democracy is too. Skeptics will always complain about the newer and better models, and there’s always the hopeless nostalgians who will tell you about the good ol’ days… but the fact is Democracy is new and improved, and a big reason for that is our new, freedom-limited, freedom-suppressed and freedom-free editions, which are selling very well all over the globe to satisfied customers. And satisfied customers is what’s important in a democracy. Just ask our regional Corporation Compatibility Manager.”
Tim O’Brien, The regional Corporation Compatibility Manager agreed one hundred percent with Ken Krisp: “The most important part of a Democracy is that it helps people make money. The best people at making money are Corporations, and we are people, according to the law. Everyone knows if you want to make money, you just do what Corporations want, I mean, we are basically money making machines. That’s what we do. Our studies have proven that if you do too much listening to people, they’ll demand all sorts of crazy things like a decent salary, education, affordable living, food, transportation, healthcare, blah blah blah blah me me me me… it’s all about them you see. Whereas a small group of hard working, money making Corporations, when working within a Democracy, can cut out all of that pointless extra spending, and do much more important things with all the money we make.”
Beaming with pride, Tim was more than pleased to explain:
“Well first, we can get Democratic lawmakers to make laws that help us make more money. Then with all that money, we can get Democratic leaders and giant international banking conglomerates to help us go overseas and cripple entire nations with extortionist loans and then we set up a government that will let us do as we please and pay people basically zero money to do all of our work! Just watch those profits sore through the roof! It’s really quite brilliant see. Because then, if the people in those countries rise up and try to replace the government with someone who won’t do what we please… we control the Democratic leaders in our country and get them to go and drop bombs on them… and bring them Democracy. Or, we can simply wait until the people are so impoverished that they rise up themselves, just like in Egypt, and then we can simply give them a nice little Democracy of their own and they can join the party. So you see, it’s really quite a perfect system.”
That it is Tim. But one reporter was not completely satisfied with this explanation, and piped up with a confusing and dangerous question.
“But sir, don’t you think that kind of cycle of oppression is exactly what the people of Egypt are angry about? Don’t you think that almost everyone in the world is feeling crushed by the effects of corporate profit being the only thing anyone cares about? Of bottom lines and quarterly stock reports and greed squeezing the humanity out of every person on this planet? Wouldn’t it instead be a good idea to acknowledge that we need a new system of governance and economics and wouldn’t Egypt be the perfect place to try and implement something new and different instead of merely installing this clearly outdated and outlived system that has run its course and does not represent the will of the people as it was designed to do?”
A pause as the silence gripped the room.
Tim O’Brien looked at Ken Krisp, who looked at Tim and then turned to look at Robert Gibbs.
All three men burst out into laughter. It started small, before erupting into a cacophony of howling and hooting and tears streaming down the men’s faces. Then, prominent politicians and businessmen and political pundits began pouring into the room, seemingly out of nowhere. George Bush and Bill Clinton holding hands with Saudi Oil Tycoons; Obama and David Cameron and Bill Gates and Steve Jobs and Ted Turner and Donald Trump and Rupert Murdoch all with jovial arms wrapped around each other, joining in on the laughs; and Glenn Beck was there, and Rush Limbaugh and so was Anderson Cooper and Keith Olbermann; Palin and Schwarzennegger, CEO’s from Tony Hayward to Lawrence Rawl; Big bankers and Wall Street Traders; Ousted President Mubarek rode in on a camel with Vladamir Putin dancing a jig on one of the humps; and even Fidel Castro and Ahmadinejad and Kim Jong Il and Hu Jintao came in for the party. And it became clear to all who witnessed this orgy of laughter, that there are only two kinds of people in the world. Them, and the rest of us.
And while they laughed and laughed and laughed…
The rest of us got pretty angry.
Expert Reporting by,
Tired of the gradual disintegration of talent, originality, substance and soul in modern music, The Black Eyed Peas decided it was time to finally kill music for good, and made sure the whole world was watching as they did it. With an army of robots, vomitous outfits and tacky guest appearances, led by their ringleader Will.I.Am.A.Piece.Of.Corporate.Trash the bloody massacre was painful to watch, and yet nobody put a stop to it.
They seemed like the country that would never care about anything. But politicians woke up last week to a startling new brand of Canadian. Politically engaged, angry and downright motivated.
“This is completely unprecedented,” announced Prime Minister Stephen Harper. “I mean, we’ve done everything to try to rile these apathetic people out of their near comatose state of political apathy. We spent a billion dollars on a fun party in the biggest city in the country and then beat them with sticks when they got mad about it. We blew 16 billion on fighter jets, handed billions more to big American corporations… these people couldn’t have cared less!”
The official opposition was equally stunned.
“Man, I’ve never seen anything like this out of Canadians,” said Michael Ignatieff. “All this time we’ve spent debating real issues, all we had to do was take away their porn.”
It turns out, that’s the one thing Canadians cherish above all: cheap, easy access to streaming pornographic videos.
“Look, we all know politicians are crooks and liars,” said one concerned parent at a rally in Toronto. “Corporations only care about the bottom line, the middle class is being annihilated on a daily basis and nobody with any sort of power cares about us and never will. But there’s one thing I won’t stand for. And that’s my son growing up in a world where he has to pay for his porn again. We’ve come too far… literally.”
Graham Stilton agrees:
“Back in the 90′s, when I was in high school, I used to have a friend print off black and white still images he had copied and pasted into microsoft works. I would pay him cash for these precious shreds of tits and vaginas. Stealing VHS tapes and taking magazines into the woods while you ‘walk the dog’ and then you just have to sit there and try to rub one out while the dog is staring at you in the middle of a forest… no man should ever have to suffer that kind of humiliation ever again.”
So while they still don’t care about their looming debt crisis, their impending housing market crashes in Vancouver and Toronto, the lack of decent middle class jobs, their increased tuition, raping of their natural landscape, or the rapidly expanding gap between rich and poor… Canadians will fight toque and nail… to keep their porn… nice and cheap.
Expert Reporting By,
A slimy, black creature rose from the depths of the Gulf of Mexico yesterday and began wreaking havoc across the United States. The monstrous leviathan is truly a sight to see, appearing to be a hideous conglomeration of oily dead fish, dolphins, clams, oysters, shrimp, and other petroleum infused sea dwellers. The beast is roaming the country slapping people in the face with sloppy fins and flippers. It is also now being reported that it will frequently blast high pressure torrents of oily ocean water at anyone in its path, out of what can only be described as its mouth.
Karen Oslin, soaked from head to toe in greasy blackness, with a freshly bruised face, cried out the question many victims are asking:
“Why me? I didn’t do anything. Why is the Gulf Oil Monster taking its anger out on me?! I don’t understand at all. Shouldn’t it be angry at BP or some rich person? Yucky!”
Al Jotterton agreed, in between vomiting up gallons of gooey ‘water’:
“I thought they plugged up that there darn hole, didn’t they? This crisis was all fixed up and over with I thought, I aint seen nothin’ bout it on the news there in ages.”
The savage creature, who wished to be called “Jerry”, took a moment out of its busy warpath to tell us, and Karen, and Al, exactly why, in an exclusive interview.
“They kind of answered their own questions didn’t they?” said the somber, gloppity Jerry. “That’s right, Karen, you didn’t do anything, nobody did. And does this Al character really think that just because the news stopped covering an event that it is truly over? Does he not understand the scale of long-term catastrophic damage that is caused by pumping oil non-stop into an ocean? I have no pity for these people. If they are truly this indifferent and dismissive of something as evil and horrific as this oil spill, then they deserve anything I do to them, and more.”
But the average citizen not yet attacked by Jerry continues to be unimpressed.
“Oh, that oil thingy? Seriously? Are people still talking about that?” articulated Jessica Tanner. “That was so last summer, like seriously oil dude, get over yourself. You’re not a big deal any more, we plugged you up and shit, so whatever,”
“Yeah man, fuck the Gulf Oil Monster, and fuck Iran too!” Cheered on her boyfriend Tyler.
We held an anonymous poll to find who the people blame for this catastrophe, and the repercussions, and the one thing everyone agreed on, was that this was all Obama’s fault.
95% of all respondents concluded that “This is Obama’s Katrina, only 10 times more gay.”
70% of all respondents agreed that “It happened on Obama’s watch, so it is his fault”
85% of all respondents, when told that BP just posted record profits, agreed with the statement: “Well I’m glad they got back on their feet, the oil spill must have been tough on them.”
Unsurprised by the poll results or the video footage we showed him, Jerry simply smiled and said
“Now do you see why I’m doing what I’m doing?”
We sure do Jerry
We sure do.
Expert Reporting by,
After a relentless and justified outcry, TSA officials have finally heard the voice of Joe Q. Public and are prepared to revoke their highly invasive body scanning procedures. The new scanner images sent privacy and rights groups up in arms when it was revealed that they stripped the ‘randomly chosen’ subjects down to Playboy levels of graphic nudity.
But after citizens refused to tolerate the invasive scans and made their voices heard all across the internet, from all sides of the political spectrum, TSA got the message, loud and clear.
TSA responded with a press conference earlier today:
“Look, we have heard the Average American Citizen, and we have listened to what we have heard,” began TSA spokesman Richard Harville. “But we need to make it absolutely clear, this was our intention all along.”
“You mean to tell us that you intended to outrage the populace?” Asked a genuinely skeptical reporter.
“Of course. We here at TSA were tired of people gradually accepting their rights being taken away slowly but surely and not putting up a fight. We knew if the people were really going to get riled up about something we had to go all the way. We needed a 9/11 of privacy invasion that would wake people up to the ever growing dangers of unchecked airport security.”
“Alright, well assuming that’s the case, the public is fully outraged, so what is your plan moving forward?”
“I’m glad you asked that, because that is what I’ve come here to announce today. Effective immediately, we will be turning off all of our nude image scanners. In place of these invasive, crude and wholly un-American devices, we will instead return to the reliable, routine, traditional full cavity search of anyone with long hair, a beard, or slightly brown skin. And, to make sure we don’t compromise any of the security measures lost by the turning off of the nude image scanners, and to move forward in a progressive, equal opportunity manner… we will also be doing 50-90% more cavity searches on female travelers. Terrorists can have vaginas and supple breasts too you know.
This will, I’m sure you’ll agree, solve all of the issues with these, er, issues, and make this issue a complete non-issue. Thank you and safe travels.”
Thank you TSA.
Expert reporting by,
Its extreme makeover time for our brand. Gone is the baby with needles stuck in his legs sitting in a pool of his own blood, and in with a new more mature logo. After all we are a year older now…. But don’t be too upset, we promise to deliver the same tasteless humor and cutting edge comedy.
At TooFar.TV we do our best to showcase uncensored sketch, musical and stand-up comedy. We started out as a rag-tag group of nobodies with no money. Now, after years of hard work, we are a rag-tag group of nobodies with no money and a website.
With our latest re-design of the site, TooFar.TV has expanded to include multiple online shows, while continuing to create our own videos and provide exposure for talented comedians who adhere to our comedic philosophy. We also have an updated classics section, showcasing the best of all time, and are developing a TV Pilot.
We’re always looking for new comedians, writers or musicians to work with, so if you think you’d like to be a part of the team, send us a shout. In the coming months we’re looking to up our production value, expand our network and start blending genres like stand-up and animation.
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New Translations of God’s Word: (Nothing found about protecting child molesters, killing people, not helping the poor, etc.)
Religious leaders and followers alike are reeling, backpeddling and generally having to re-assess their outlook on life after new findings have shattered their previous understanding of their most beloved scriptures.
A secret commission of high ranking theological heavyweights were called in for an emergency meeting to discuss the findings of an even more secret project known as “Operation What God Really Meant.” Essentially, up until now, all of the various times in history God had talked to people and told them to write everything down had been viewed as separate incidents. Many of these incidents resulted in specific religions based solely on the things God had to say to that person at that time. This top secret group of experts decided it was time to figure out the big picture, not just pick and choose, and finally, once and for all, figure out just exactly what God wants from us. They deciphered all the original source documents, cross-referenced, and performed a very important and unprecedented task: Weeding out the stuff that was obviously misquoted, taken out of context or just plain made up.
In some shocking news, there are a lot of things that people do and believe, people who identify themselves as devout followers of His advice, that are way off the mark. The Pope and his army of Catholic Priests were shocked and awed to find out that no, in fact, God was not a big proponent of having sex with little boys, lying about it, and then launching a PR campaign to try and make things all better, and completely failing to hold those responsible accountable.
“Wowzer! This is really a blow to the Catholic Church indeed,” a flustered Pope exclaimed. “We were sure that what we were doing was what he wanted us to do. I’m not sure if I agree with these new findings. I think we’ll just stick to our interpretation instead. Heil Hitle… I mean, God bless.”
So what does God want his priests to do?
“Well it turns out God doesn’t think this whole celibacy thing is all it’s cracked up to be,” says Jared Nolan, one of the key experts on the panel. “He even clearly told George the Farmer, a few thousand years ago, that it’s silly to not have sex or masturbate, that’ll just make you a repressed pervert. God himself masturbates frequently, as does Jesus.”
The shocking revelations weren’t just limited to Catholics though. God apparently has a thing or two to say to those who like to use His name as a reason for violence or greed.
“Well based on our findings, it’s rather clear that The Big Guy would not be too impressed with a lot of other folks who consider themselves to be pretty hard core followers of what they say is His word,” continued Jared. “To make a long story short, anyone who thinks that God supports dropping bombs, shooting people, the death penalty, suicide bombings, or that there is anything about a ‘holy war’ that he doesn’t find stupid and repulsive… needs to give their head a shake, because he’s not a fan of any or all of the above. He’s also not a big supporter of giant corporations, taking advantage of impoverished people, and generally anything that involves mercilessly stomping on the poor and downtrodden.”
As a number of you must be wondering, a reporter at the press conference piped up and asked the question on everyone’s mind.
“Well if that’s the case,” said the reporter “Why did he tell so many people the exact opposite in all those books he told them to write?”
“Simple enough,” said Jared “He never said any of those things. Those things were either added later by people who wanted to use his name to further their own control over gullible sheep people… or people took something good that he said, and twisted it to suit their own fucked up agenda.”
“Well, based on your findings, what do you think God would say to those people who follow or believe in these things that you now say are lies?” Asked the reporter.
“I think he’d probably say they are the least Godly people on earth, and that other people need to stop listening to them or giving them any sort of credit whatsoever.”
Any last thoughts?
“Oh yes, one more thing… God cares not about the outcome of sporting events or tacky awards ceremonies. So people should probably stop bringing him into those things.”
That they should Jared.
That they should.
Expert Reporting by,
A recent poll showed that an astounding 94% of people with between “lots” and “really just a ridiculous amount” of cash and assets are completely unconcerned with the trials and tribulations of the ever growing numbers of the down and out. A full 100% saw no connection with their continued, rapid, non stop accumulation of more and more wealth and the decrease of wealth being obtained by people who were not them.
“They should probably get some more money,” suggested one helpful respondent. “I have lots and it’s great. If other people don’t, yeah I could see how that would suck. But they need to find their own. This is mine.”
When asked if they thought their small numbers and massive portion of the total wealth in the world was perhaps one of, if not the, main causes for so many billions of other people being poor, respondents became enraged.
“Look, I don’t know what kind of hippie, commie racket you’re running here, but if you’re talking about wealth redistribution, then you can get the hell out of my country and my face at the same time. If those people didn’t want to be poor, then they shouldn’t have been born in a poor country.”
When it was pointed out that many people are poor in the same country as the enraged wealthy man, he became more enraged, perhaps revealing his true thoughts:
“Oh yeah, those welfare bums working for minimum wage at the strip mall, like they’re ever going to do anything in life. Fuck those people. They’re poor and they deserve to be poor, and aint nobody gonna take my money from me. I earned every penny and if they want some they can get some of their own.”
When asked how he earned ‘every penny’ of his massive fortune, the respondent, Graham, smiled and reminisced about the good old days.
“Before the housing market crashed I made tonnes of money bundling loans and working derivatives. It was a cinch! I became a high ranking financier in no time. Living the American Dream, making lots of money for myself so I could do what I want, when I want, with no regard for consequence. Then when my company imploded along with the economy of the world, I took a meager couple of billion for myself and walked away. Now I mostly buy vintage cars and paint them different colors. Scotch?”
Government officials appear equally disinterested in helping the increasingly large amount of people with no money get some, and instead are focusing on making sure people like Graham, and themselves, get to keep theirs.
“Listen, let me be clear, here are things we will NOT be doing,” stressed a top White House advisor. ”Lowering rent costs, raising minimum wage, bending to union demands, keeping jobs here, educating our citizens and making them valuable, providing free healthcare and keeping people alive and healthy… these things are un-American. Instead, we are going to keep doing whatever people with lots of money tell us to do, with no regard for the people of our country or the world, because they paid for our campaigns. You people without money, are just going to do nothing like you always do, sit there and accept whatever we tell you to accept. Just like the constitution says.”
The sentiment is echoed across the ocean in the EU, except the message is backwards. Top EU officials released a joint report recently that says: “Look, we tried helping people… it doesn’t work! They don’t want to be helped. Time to start peeling back all of those silly frivolous things that made us such a socially enviable society, because let’s face it, the money isn’t there. We just kind of made it up! There isn’t enough money to go around and make everyone happy, so let’s just go back to the way things used to be, we’ll give a few people all of it, and then everyone else can bugger off and fight for the scraps. You know, that whole trickle down thingy. Poverty has led to some great things you know. Most of the best music and art tends to rise out of oppressed and impoverished people. So let’s not just focus on the bad side shall we?”
One thing can be assured. If you have no money, you aren’t getting any more any time soon, so I’d suggest getting used to it. If you do have lots, consider yourself what you are, a king among men. A true hero. Someone to be admired, to be worshipped, to be praised. Someone who has, does, and will continue to do whatever you please, however you please, whenever you please, wherever you please.
And a pox on those who aren’t you! Literally.
The website WikiLeaks has caused a storm of controversy this week, angering and confounding high ranking military officials, politicians, and generally scaring the poop out of world leaders, rich and influential people/institutions across the globe.
“This whole idea of people knowing what’s actually going on in the world is really quite a frightening proposition,” said General Mark Harris. ”I mean, seeing videos, reading correspondence of things that happened, the way they happened, instead of the way we decide they happen after long PR meetings. This is just completely unfair and detrimental to the military and political process. How are we supposed to cover up the truth, suppress or water down information if it can be plainly seen by any schmuck with a computer screen? Next thing you know, people will be forming their own opinions without being told what their options are first!”
When pressed for examples, the General continued: “Just look at the last two major leaks from this Australian dope head; the Iraq killing of a reuters reporter and civilians and the revelation that some Canadians were killed by our bombs instead of the Taliban. The way we told the story was so much better for the war effort. It made people feel good about what we were doing. The average joe can get behind a reporter caught up in the crossfire of insurgents and Canadians heroically going down alongside our boys. But who’s going to support wars where they know rogue helicopters are mowing down civilians and laughing about it while Canadians are being blown up by Lockheed Martin missiles? That’s not a good story. That’s horrible PR for both the military, the president, the army, the war, future wars. We were planning on bombing Iran tomorrow, now we have to probably push that ahead until Christmas time. Phooey!”
To make matters worse, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange has wispy white hair, doesn’t wear glasses and is Australian – making it difficult to hate his ethnicity, appearance or simply dismiss him as a pansy/terrorist/communist/nerd. That hasn’t stopped many from trying though.
“Let’s make one thing clear, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange is a pansy. A terrorist. A communist and a nerd. Probably a pedophile as well,” asserted Darren Worben, a radio host. ”He spends his whole life on the internet. As we all know, the internet is a favorite hangout for pedophiles, so you draw your own conclusions. I’m not here to tell you what to think. Also, another thing, if you don’t think that Julian Assange is a nazi who hates America, then you are an idiot, a socialist and a molester of small rodents.”
Worben isn’t the only one with intelligent, rational things to say about the site and this dangerous new age of information being spread readily, uncensored and unfiltered. Representatives from major media outlets are equally outraged.
“If this guy continues, major news is going to change, and we all know what happens when we try to change things. Catastrophic oil spills. That’s what happens,” incensed Media Mogul Travis Alton. ”We have a system in place that has worked forever, why does this nazi, pedophile, surfer, crocodile hunter think he can just come along and dismantle that system without asking us, the rich people behind the system, if we want it to be changed? It’s OUR system Julian, not yours, ours. We’re doing quite well the way things are without your influence, thanks! I’m sorry, but since when does the average person have a say in anything that hasn’t been pre-decided for them by people richer and more powerful than them? I don’t recall seeing that in the constitution anywhere. The media and news play a vital role in the war effort. By framing stories with pre-approved messages of patriotism, only offering two sides to any given story, and taking the public’s mind off of atrocities with a non-stop barrage of updates on how Lindsay Lohan is doing, or what Paris Hilton is wearing… we make it easier for our troops and our government to get the job done overseas, winning and such. Finding Osama, that sort of thing. How are our boys supposed to keep this war going with a non stop onslaught of conscientious objectors and liberal hippie protesters armed with proof and knowledge along with their usual whining? That’s where we went wrong in Vietnam you know. Things were going great until people started knowing what was happening over there.”
General Harris agrees. “We could still be in Vietnam today if it weren’t for truth and reality spreading its evil wings throughout the masses. Just when we thought we had everyone back all aboard the war train, now this ‘internet’ comes along and puts us back in the stone ages. We’ve got wars slated for Korea, China, Iran, Pakistan… Russia will probably jump in there, they always do… all sorts of new conflicts to be had! It’s getting increasingly more difficult to convince everyone that all these wars are good for us with sites like WikiLeaks and people like Julian Assange in the world.”
There is one positive note though.
“At least the economy is still terrible. No matter what that effeminate, laptop lurching bozo posts on his silly little website, we can always still bring up the old ‘WW2 brought us out of the last recession so WW3 can bring us out of this one’ chestnut. Not even the internet can stop that kind of irrefutable logic!”
We can only hope General.
We can only hope.
The BP Oil spill disaster has been gushing thousands of barrels of oil into the Gulf of Mexico since April, but things have recently gotten a whole lot worse. The oil has now started to reach Florida, home to some of the nicest beaches and richest people in America.
“Well it was okay when it was just hitting Louisiana and Alabama and those redneck fishing states, who cares about those hillbillies?” Reasoned Gwen Dawnripple of Florida. ”But now it’s washing up on the white sandy beaches of Florida. That’s just unacceptable.”
Gwen wasn’t the only one outraged.
“My daughter goes to those beaches every spring break to do jello shooters and have unprotected sex with frat boys,” yelled Grahm Chippington, father of 7 girls. “Now where are our teenage daughters supposed to get naked on camera and experience their first gang bangs?”
Girls Gone Wild spokesman Robert Haddingway couldn’t agree more: ”Now look, we normally love oily girls and the scent of fish in our videos, but this is not the right kind of oil… it’s far too sloppy and not nearly glisteny enough.”
Vacationers around the country are shocked and appalled as well. Derrick Milligan of Wyoming used to bring his family to Florida beaches every winter. Not any more.
“I mean, it’s one thing to spill some oil and put a few thousand fisherman and shrimp catchers out of work, but can’t they at least contain the spill to those backwater, hick states and not let it ruin our vacation? We might have to go to California this year instead. It’s a real shame. Those clowns over at BP have gone too far. By letting the oil reach a state I care about, well that’s the last straw.”
One thing’s for sure, future corporations whose gross negligence leads to catastrophic environmental disasters can learn a lot from this latest development. Keep your oil spills on the shores of working class people, and away from prime real estate.
Expert reporting by,
Danny Mendlow for TOOFAR.TV