A guest blog from Canadian, gay, married, father, comedian Darcy Michael
A lot has happened this week south of the border and quite frankly, I’m not even sure where to start.
Obama, let’ s start there. Yes, this is an incredibly moving and poignant moment for our American neighbours and I’m incredibly thrilled for them. However, as a proud Canadian, I should point out that our leaders made these kind of speeches 10 years ago, without rushing frantically to the nearest microphone during an election year after the VP accidentally let it slip in a series of highly politicized, over analyzed, over hyped drama… we just did it because it was the right thing to do, and we never looked back… but good on you anyways Barack, welcome to the game… finally.
Mitt Romney, you are such a fucking tool that the only solace I can take in your existence and your hate mongering is that eventually, one day, you’re going to have to explain to your grandchildren why you chose to speak on the wrong side of history. And mark my words; you are most definitely on the wrong side of history. We may not have a Rosa Parks moment in our cause, (not that anyone in your lovely little cult cares, considering your pleasant history of not acknowledging black people as equals until 1978) but we can be comfortable in the knowledge that in ten years I’ll still be right and decent, and you’ll be shown alongside these cartoons as an example of how primitive man used to actually think and behave.
Mitt, I wanted to show my husband your thoughts on this issue and have a nice political debate in our living room, but unfortunately we have both been so busy this week driving our daughter to her orthodontist appointments, helping her with her homework, selling girl guide cookies at the mall and coaching her baseball team 5 days a week we just simply haven’t had a moment alone to talk.
In fact, you’re missing the point so clearly here Mitt. It’s clear what you anti-gay crusaders really want is for ‘the gays’ to stop fucking each other. If youreally don’t want us to fuck each other, you should LET us have as many kids as we can handle! I don’t even remember the last time we stuck it in each other because we’ve both been so busy making sure our daughter gets the best upbringing possible. An upbringing that is full of an open, honest love btw. One that preaches understanding, empathy and most of all forgiveness for what we can not change. You know, just like that Jesus character used to say. I’m even hesitant here in this post to say things negative about you, your family and your views because I don’t want my daughter reading this thinking it is okay to tell someone what they are doing or saying is wrong. But in this case, you are so fucking wrong, that I’m okay with it.
One last note Mr. Romney: that little boy whose hair you cut off and ‘don’t recall’? We all do dumb things as kids Mitt, cruel things even. The difference is, real men grow up and realize they were wrong, and change their behavior. Some bullies never grow up I suppose, and still think they have the authority to tell others that their personal life is his business.
Bristol Palin, you’ve quickly become the Snookie of the Republican base and that’s not an easy task to accomplish. Clearly, hate breeds more hate and you are the product of being brought up in an environment of blind, unfounded bigotry. Not sure how you can try to preach about what is the right way to raise a child but as one of those evil, gay married families you’re looking down your nose at, ‘ahem’ allow me to rebut. Are you trying to tell me that the years long commitment that Jer and I have made to each other and our daughter is less then the 26 seconds of pure unadulterated bliss you had with that fool of a father before leaving you a single mother? Harsh? Judge not lest ye be judged sweetheart.
Mine and Jeremy’s commitment to each other is an unbreakable bond and one we are content on protecting in as humanely a way as possible but I’ll tell you something gurrrrrrl, you start coming after us and our daughter and the gloves come off. How about this? How about we both take a step back before I start filing my nails into mini-shives and you really think about your own life for a second mmmmkay? Wouldn’t it be a more prudent approach for you to get a handle on raising your child in a way that doesn’t preach hatred of that which you don’t understand? Because let’s be honest here, if you did hate everything you didn’t understand, eventually your child is going to grow up hating things like: reality, shoelaces and dancing with the ‘stars’
And while I have you all here, I’d like to end off with something completely unrelated but totally related. John Travolta, if you enjoy penis I encourage you to continue enjoying penis but for fuck sakes, man up about it and just tell the world. When you order your breakfast today, just add a side of dick. You’ll feel so much better about yourself and not as full too.
To the rest of the world, let’s take a passive aggressive approach to show how wrong the right has become. If you go to my website, www.darcymichael.com, you can buy my new stand up special “One Skinny Bitch” for a measly 3 bucks. Then I promise my husband and I will use all the proceeds from those sales to buy as many children as we can. That’ll show ‘em. But you can at least know your money is going to a loving household, a real and happy family, and not to further the agenda of hate mongering Neanderthals who would rather use the office of the presidency to insult and belittle my family, than to govern your country.