A guest blog from Canadian, gay, married, father, comedian Darcy Michael

A lot has happened this week south of the border and quite frankly, I’m not even sure where to start.

Obama, let’ s start there. Yes, this is an incredibly moving and poignant moment for our American neighbours and I’m incredibly thrilled for them. However, as a proud Canadian, I should point out that our leaders made these kind of speeches 10 years ago, without rushing frantically to the nearest microphone during an election year after the VP accidentally let it slip in a series of highly politicized, over analyzed, over hyped drama… we just did it because it was the right thing to do, and we never looked back… but good on you anyways Barack, welcome to the game… finally.

Mitt Romney, you are such a fucking tool that the only solace I can take in your existence and your hate mongering is that eventually, one day, you’re going to have to explain to your grandchildren why you chose to speak on the wrong side of history. And mark my words; you are most definitely on the wrong side of history. We may not have a Rosa Parks moment in our cause, (not that anyone in your lovely little cult cares, considering your pleasant history of not acknowledging black people as equals until 1978) but we can be comfortable in the knowledge that in ten years I’ll still be right and decent, and you’ll be shown alongside these cartoons as an example of how primitive man used to actually think and behave.

Mitt, I wanted to show my husband your thoughts on this issue and have a nice political debate in our living room, but unfortunately we have both been so busy this week driving our daughter to her orthodontist appointments, helping her with her homework, selling girl guide cookies at the mall and coaching her baseball team 5 days a week we just simply haven’t had a moment alone to talk.

In fact, you’re missing the point so clearly here Mitt. It’s clear what you anti-gay crusaders really want is for ‘the gays’ to stop fucking each other. If youreally don’t want us to fuck each other, you should LET us have as many kids as we can handle!  I don’t even remember the last time we stuck it in each other because we’ve both been so busy making sure our daughter gets the best upbringing possible. An upbringing that is full of an open, honest love btw. One that preaches understanding, empathy and most of all forgiveness for what we can not change.  You know, just like that Jesus character used to say. I’m even hesitant here in this post to say things negative about you, your family and your views because I don’t want my daughter reading this thinking it is okay to tell someone what they are doing or saying is wrong. But in this case, you are so fucking wrong, that I’m okay with it.

One last note Mr. Romney: that little boy whose hair you cut off and ‘don’t recall’? We all do dumb things as kids Mitt, cruel things even.  The difference is, real men grow up and realize they were wrong, and change their behavior.  Some bullies never grow up I suppose, and still think they have the authority to tell others that their personal life is his business.

Bristol Palin, you’ve quickly become the Snookie of the Republican base and that’s not an easy task to accomplish. Clearly, hate breeds more hate and you are the product of being brought up in an environment of blind, unfounded bigotry. Not sure how you can try to preach about what is the right way to raise a child but as one of those evil, gay married families you’re looking down your nose at, ‘ahem’ allow me to rebut.   Are you trying to tell me that the years long commitment that Jer and I have made to each other and our daughter is less then the 26 seconds of pure unadulterated bliss you had with that fool of a father before leaving you a single mother?  Harsh?  Judge not lest ye be judged sweetheart.

Mine and Jeremy’s commitment to each other is an unbreakable bond and one we are content on protecting in as humanely a way as possible but I’ll tell you something gurrrrrrl, you start coming after us and our daughter and the gloves come off. How about this? How about we both take a step back before I start filing my nails into mini-shives and you really think about your own life for a second mmmmkay? Wouldn’t it be a more prudent approach for you to get a handle on raising your child in a way that doesn’t preach hatred of that which you don’t understand? Because let’s be honest here, if you did hate everything you didn’t understand, eventually your child is going to grow up hating things like: reality, shoelaces and dancing with the ‘stars’

And while I have you all here, I’d like to end off with something completely unrelated but totally related. John Travolta, if you enjoy penis I encourage you to continue enjoying penis but for fuck sakes, man up about it and just tell the world. When you order your breakfast today, just add a side of dick. You’ll feel so much better about yourself and not as full too.

To the rest of the world, let’s take a passive aggressive approach to show how wrong the right has become. If you go to my website, www.darcymichael.com, you can buy my new stand up special “One Skinny Bitch” for a measly 3 bucks. Then I promise my husband and I will use all the proceeds from those sales to buy as many children as we can. That’ll show ‘em.  But you can at least know your money is going to a loving household, a real and happy family, and not to further the agenda of hate mongering Neanderthals who would rather use the office of the presidency to insult and belittle my family, than to govern your country.

Ever since the biggest comedian on the planet, Louis CK, released his latest stand up comedy DVD online for $5, a new trend has emerged that industry professionals are calling “alarming,” “vaguely communist” and “anti American.” Since Louis CK’s wildly successful experiment, comedians can’t wait to produce and sell their own comedy specials, with superstars Jim Gaffigan   and Aziz Ansari following suit, while Joe Rogan and Joey Diaz are set to do the same. Even in the frozen tundra of Canada’s igloos, Darcy Michael has emerged from hibernation to release his special online this spring as well. You can find a complete, up to date list of all the comedians enraging people who wear suits and used to make money off of them here.

We caught up with Joe Middleman at a press conference called by united, fuming industry professionals from TV networks and traditional media distribution companies.

“This is absurd! Outrageous! Who the fuck do these comedians think they are? They’re the talent, they don’t get paid. WE get paid,” Middleman thundered as the crowd erupted in cheers. “They get a tiny amount of what we tell them is leftover. That’s how this whole industry works. You can’t just cut out Joe Middleman. Not on my watch! My families gotta eat too! I’ve got eleven houses, three cottages and nineteen cars to make payments on. How am I supposed to get by when these two-bit shmucks are running around filming, promoting and distributing their own content? I’ll tell you what it is, it’s economic terrorism! It’s a communist, socialist, rise of the proletariat, pinko, fascist, Hitler inspired plot to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids! It’s anti-American, anti-capitalist, hippie, fairy, mother fucking cock sucking bullshit cunt….” He then simply blasted out a series of no less than 8 minutes of straight, incoherent, derogatory terminology. When he finally collapsed in a heap of perspiration, red faced and shaking violently with rage next to the podium, John Q. Executive took to the stage quickly to wrap up the rally by taking questions from the press.

“John, some people would say that the talent is who really deserves the money, as they are the ones doing the work, especially in stand up comedy where it is literally just them on stage by themselves. What would you say to that?” queried Tim Silverway from The Newspaper.

“Tim that’s ridiculous and you know it. This issue is bigger than stand up comedy, or the entertainment industry, this issue is about America. Our founding fathers had a dream. They had a dream that one day a very small group of people, no matter what industry you work in, would get paid all of the money. Our founding fathers called this glorious group of people, The One Percent. Look, if you don’t believe me, read it for yourself in this new, Corporate America Approved version of the Declaration of Independence. Congress has just passed it into law as the legally sanctioned and accepted historical document. It’s official. It’s history my friend. Our nation was founded on the principle that one man is allowed to pursue individual prosperity, but only if that one man gives all of that prosperity to guys with nice suits who don’t actually do all that much except collect money from people who earned it. Whether you’re an investment banker, a CEO, an executive, it doesn’t matter. The important thing is that people are giving you all their money while you don’t really do anything for them they can’t do themselves. God Bless our Founding Fathers. God Bless America!”

And with that defining statement, the rally burst into another round of applause and uproarious chanting. “We are the 1%” and “You Do The Work, We Get The Money” were some of the more popular ones. They all marched off to a nearby mansion and basically it turned into a scene from Eyes Wide Shut and I left.

And as the nations middlemen and executives rallied… around the nation, an army of stand up comedians set about to follow their ringleader Louis CK into the bold new world of being adequately compensated for something they’ve worked their whole lives towards. And every other creative soul on the planet tries to figure out how they can do the exact same thing.

Expert Reporting by,

Danny Mendlow

Watch out for Darcy Michael’s New Comedy Special One Skinny Bitch on sale May 10th.

Last week the 2012 Just for Laughs line-up was announced and there amongst the Louis CK’s and the fuckin’ Muppets is know-it-all, Jewy hipster, Moshe Kasher.  As author of the book Kasher in the Rye and the TooFar appointed King of the 160 Characters,  I knew I couldn’t wait to see him.  In fact, I needed to see him.  In a very real stalker kinda way,  so I took to Twitter.  ”Dude – I hear you’re coming to Vancouver in May. Hit me up, if you want good bagels!” No reply. “Dude, tweet me back if you’re looking for some play when you’re in town.  I have a hot cousin here you can fuck!”  Nothing.

I would have to settle for seeing his show.

The truth of it all is I just wanted to see with my own eyes if everything I read in his book was true. Is this former Hasidic Jew, drug addict everything he claims to be? How does dropping hit after hit of acid affect ones sense of humor? Mostly I just wanted to be reassured that Jews can still write comedy.

For the next 45 minutes he proceeded to confuse the fuck out of me. Gone was the “Gitler’, the gay Hitler haircut he used to sport , leaving just the thick rimmed nerd-type up on stage, that conjured up memories of my sweet lesbian Aunty Linda. Hardly the playa I read about on Twitter. Make up your mind, do you fuck chicks or watch Star Trek?  Are you a street gangsta or prissy bitch?

Throughout the show, one thing was becoming perfectly clear. This effeminate Hebrew was way smarter than me and likely everyone else there (he kindly pointed this fact out by mentioning that he’s read Dante’s Inferno).  I won’t go into details about his act, but much like his book its tells a familiar tale – Twelve year old boy tries a joint and LSD, sees a brave new world and proceeds to pass judgement on us mere mortals for the rest of his life….and like his book, its a riot!  When he was a kid selling acid he claimed to be a wise man offering up enlightenment for 3 bucks a hit.  Not much has changed. Now its twenty bucks a hit.
See him at Just for Laughs.

Written by Ricky Letovsky

Need more convincing?
Follow him on twitter @moshekasher